Growing up I rarely babysat. Before I had kids, I had
probably changed as many diapers as I had fingers to count. When someone handed
me a baby, tension crept over me. I gagged at the face of spit-up, panicked at
the sound of an infant crying in my care. And now, believe it or not, I am the
proud mother of a five-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy. My journey as a
mom has definitely brought me a long way.
My entire life I have never been a “baby” person, one that
“oohs” and “ahs” over the infant stage. Even now, with two kids past the first
year of life, thinking back on that time still makes me a little uneasy. Now
don’t get me wrong—I did enjoy my children as babies, snuggling with those
perfectly innocent beings with that sweet, new-baby fragrance. But I also remember
the colicky evenings, the sleepless nights and the constant worry about whether
I was doing things right. So I can safely say that I’m glad that little chapter
in our lives is done and over with. I truly look at those who do love the
infant stage with awe and wonder.
I think that I was hesitant to babysit as a teen because I
realized early on that taking care of kids is a huge responsibility, one for
which I was not ready. My theory was validated when I watched my teenage sister
give birth to twins and proceed to raise them with the help of my parents. Kids
are definitely a lot of work. I knew that one day I wanted kids of my own, just
not anytime soon.
Newly married, I watched friends in my same stage of life
begin having kids, and they playfully pressed me to do the same. But I just observed
and took mental notes, on things I would do and not do when I had kids. And let
me tell you, I’ve eaten my words on some things!
But at that time in my life, I had adopted this mindset:
Making the decision to bring a life into this world is huge, one that many
people make flippantly, it seems. I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly
could be in every way—financially, emotionally and spiritually. To be a parent
is to be largely responsible for another person’s soul. I wanted to create the
best possible circumstances for my child to grow up and choose to follow God. I
wanted a guarantee, that if I brought a child into this world, we would end up
in heaven together some day. I still feel this way to a degree, but I realize
that no amount of planning and preparation can make you a perfect parent or
your child do exactly as you wish. I still mess up, and my kids still have free
will.
But I do believe wholeheartedly in God’s promise from
Proverbs: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he
will not depart from it.”
After about three years of marriage, my husband Gary and I
finally came around to wanting to extend our family. We had been thinking and
praying about it for quite some time. We had lived our “yuppie years” with two
full incomes and little responsibility. We had paid off some debt, so I thought
we were somewhat ready according to my checklist. I expected to get pregnant
right away. My mom and sisters had with no problem, so I thought my experience
would be the same.
Well, it didn’t happen right away. And before I expound, let
me just say that our wait was minute compared to that of some couples. I can’t
imagine going years without conceiving, and my heart truly goes out to those of
you who have experienced this difficulty.
Here is the process we went through. It took us six months
to conceive for the first time, and in each of those months when it didn’t
happen my heart sunk in disappointment. I began to worry if something was
wrong. Finally, I became pregnant, though, and I was ecstatic. We called friends
and family to share our good news.
And then, just a couple of days after our announcement, I
miscarried. I didn’t sink into depression, but my heart ached. I had ridden a
roller coaster of emotions, and I mourned my loss. After that, I began to really
long for a child. It seemed that everywhere I went someone new was getting
pregnant—friends, relatives, celebrities on magazine covers. I was happy for my
friends that experienced this blessing, but at the same time, my disappointment
was magnified. Why couldn’t it happen for me, too? I struggled, trying to
balance my deep desire for a child with my brain telling me to live with peace
and contentment. During this period I prayed intensely and came across this
verse in the Bible:
“From one man he made all the nations, that they should
inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and
the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and
perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of
us.” Acts 17:26-27
He marked out our appointed times in history. Having a baby
was not just about my plans. God is the ultimate planner—he knows what he is
doing. I began to grasp this concept and trust that God’s timing was and is better
than mine. Four months later, I became pregnant, taking on a restrained joy. I
was excited, yet still nervous that I might miscarry again. But I progressed,
and the baby growing inside me felt all the more precious because of the
longing I had endured.
Now I am the mother of two kids, who elicit in me enormous
amounts of joy, as well as enormous amounts of work. I think about my place on
opposite ends of the spectrum of motherhood, fleeing from the idea of holding a
baby to yearning for that very thing.
God has blessed me with the amazing, yet terrifying, task of
being a mother. I still quiver at the seriousness of the responsibility laid
before me—guiding another soul throughout life, teaching him and her what is
right, and introducing and nurturing their young relationships with Jesus, our
savior. I pray that I forever hold on to the magnitude of what is before me. But
I also pray that I have joy in knowing that God is with me through it all and
that children are resilient, even to my mistakes. They fall, and they get back
up again. They cry, and seconds later they are laughing hysterically. God,
please help me to live this time of my life to the full, teaching at teachable
moments and getting caught up in all the pleasure and lightheartedness of
childhood.
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